It was the January of 2014 that I set my foot in this beautiful country of Canada, to be with my husband. About after 1 year of marriage and living apart in two ends of the world, hopes were skyrocketing from both the sides of the family expecting grandkids. We didn’t have any idea to delay it either as I had PCOS and the doctor had advised that sooner I get pregnant the better. Just after our first anniversary, when I was restlessly counting my days for my periods, I instantly felt happy and eager when I missed my periods.I immediately booked an appointment with our doctor and went to meet her the following week. With a positive urine test, the doctor requested a blood work, just to be sure.
Even as I was waiting for the blood test results, I was secretly planning on baby names, running my hands over my belly and silently cracking a smile. After a call from the doctor, I and my husband hurried to get the results and the doctor congratulated us and told us we were pregnant. I knew it! My heart pounced immediately and I couldn’t hide my wide smile on my face. On our way back home, we were talking about calling our family back home to share the good news, wondering whether we need to paint the baby room pink or blue. I had just joined a full-time job, so I thought it was perfect timing cause I would have finished by probation and would enough time to qualify for a maternity leave. We thanked the Lord Our God for opening the gates of heaven and blessing us with the greatest joy!
I followed all the instructions given by my Mom over the phone, the same set of instructions given twice a day, every day. Answering the same set of questions – did you eat? Are you taking your prenatal vitamins? Don’t strain, eat for two, rest well, etc., My husband was even more amazing, he would get up before me, make me a breakfast and pack me a lunch.
Everything was going so well, so one weekend we decided to make a short 45 min trip to a neighboring city. The part of the road nearing Moose jaw was especially bumpy and hubby was careful not wobble me much. Just as we reached I had an urge to pee, one of the normal signs of early pregnancy, turned into a terror. I was spotting. I was terrified! I told my husband about this, immediately turned google for help! The whole way back home was a very tense ride, we didn’t talk to each other and I was biting my lips and holding my tears my falling out. While Google bought me some comfort assuring that spotting is very normal, my heart was not completely convinced so I called and made an appointment with my doctor. Since she wasn’t available for a week, I met the walk in doctor. The walk-in doctor reassured me that it was totally normal to spot in the first few weeks of pregnancy. I insisted I needed a scan but she brushed it aside saying it is too early and there is nothing to worry about. I went home, checking every now and then for more spotting. I would cautiously try to detect any bodily changes but I couldn’t find any. Even though I couldn’t see any negative sign I had a feeling that something was wrong. I felt helpless that there’s nothing I could do about it. I reached out to the scriptures and found solace in prayers. I kept chanting the verse, ‘ that all things work out for good for those who trust God’. There were no more spotting, so I brushed all negative thoughts aside and went about my life.
On the 16th week, we went for our scheduled first ultra sound. I had chatted briefly about the scan with other expecting friends and had an idea on what I would expect. Pregnant couples who went before us came out with big smiles & with scan pictures on their hand. We were anxiously waiting for our turn, to hear the heartbeat of our first child. The nurse called us in, I got changed and laid down on the bed. She quickly ran the cold gel over my tummy and was seeing some image on the screen which I couldn’t comprehend. At one point, I saw her face turn pale. I was alarmed and asked her if everything was ok. She asked me to confirm my last period date. She told that she can’t share anything and that she needed to double-check something with the doctor. Those 10 mins were the longest 10 mins of my life ever. All the scary thoughts that I buried at the back of my mind came back alive. I was clenching my hands, my heart racing when the doctor came in. The doctor broke it to us that there wasn’t a heartbeat and the growth stopped at 6 and half weeks while I was 16 weeks now. My worst nightmare came unfolding before me. Tears came pouring out as I hugged my husband tight and said I’m sorry! I still don’t know why those were the first words that came out of my mouth. I was already blaming myself for not keeping my baby safe. We sat there for sometime until I can get hold of myself and came back home with an empty heart. I racked my brain trying to remember what could have possibly triggered this. My husband called home to tell both the families who were eagerly expecting photos from our first scan.
It was over! All our dreams came crashing down. No amount of words can fully express how I felt. Sorrow, bitterness, and grief filled my heart. Even before I could fully embrace my first pregnancy, I was destined to cope with the loss of my baby. I was vulnerable and had no strength to even look at my family through Skype. I refused to talk to anyone and wanted to by myself. I would lock myself in the bathroom or curl into the bed and cry my heart out.
The lab sent the results to my doctor and we immediately got a call from the doctor’s office to see her the next day.She asked me if I was miscarrying as it was already more than 10 weeks past since my baby died. I wasn’t, other than some light spotting every now and then, I didn’t miscarry. She told me that we will wait a couple of days after which I will have to undergo D&C to clear out all the tissues to prevent any possible infection. I came home and stood under the shower, sobbing and praying for a natural miscarriage. I just wanted to get it over with. I was furious with my body, ‘You failed to protect this baby, at least help me get this baby out of me ‘. I started experiencing some cramping that evening and took some Tylenol and went to bed. I don’t remember when I passed out, but I woke up with painful stomach cramps and a pool of blood on the bed. I rushed to the bathroom, I knew I was miscarrying. I was shivering when I woke up my husband to show him the blood stained sheets. I stood there not knowing what to do, while he changed the sheets. He gave me a glass of water and I took another dose of Tylenol and tried to get some rest. I woke up next morning, hoping all this was just a bad dream and none of this really happened. But, nothing changed. I was still miscarrying, my baby was leaving me forever. Every time I went to the bathroom, I passed clots, I would desperately look at them in vain to get a visual of my child. Within a couple of days, my bleeding reduced and by the 5th day, it completely stopped. I had one more scan to make sure that every single tissue of my baby has gone.
I took me a long time to move on with the loss of my baby. I rested all the weight of my sorrow under His knees as I prayed. Even though my family was far far away, I found a great church family and friends that supported and prayed for me. Every now & then I would pray asking God to show me a glimpse of this child. I went back to work as soon as I felt physically better, to divert my mind. However hard I tried to focus on my work, there were times, I would simply break down inside a closed cubicle and cry before my computer screen. I sought comfort in Jesus and hold on to the promise in the book of Samuel – ‘For this Child, we prayed…”. After 6 months, we tried again and I was conceived by November 2014. The loss our first baby has shaken us pretty bad that we didn’t want to jinx it with our excitement. We waited till the first scan, until we hear a heartbeat to share this news this family & friends. I was very cautious and paranoid the whole pregnancy. On July 2015, I held my rainbow baby, Little man J, on my arms.He was so precious and filled our hearts with so much joy. Just after year and a half, we were blessed with Little Miss A, who with her grace and charm completed our little world. There is nothing I would like to change about our lives but, sometimes, I do wonder about the first life that lived in me, albeit just for 6.5 weeks.I wish I had something tangible to hold onto my first baby, but all I have is these thoughts that will never forget.
I don’t think I ever talked about my pregnancy loss, in such details before. I broke down so many times before I could complete this post. The loss, though not as intense as it was when it happened, is still real. October 15th is Pregnancy & Infant Loss Remembrance day and I wanted to share my story with the world, as a small effort to tell who are grieving the loss of their baby, that they are not alone. I can’t find a better way to comfort you, than by saying,you are not alone,I know how it feels, I have been there!
Much love to all those who are grieving,